Teach Your Children Good Decision Making Skills

As soon as my children were capable of understanding the difference between 2 whole and separate ideas, I started teaching them to make their own decisions.  This started when they were around 5 years old.  Example:  Would you like 2 cookies or would you like a piece of pie?  You can not have both.  We would talk about the pros and cons of both ideas and then I would figuratively step back and allow them to process the decision for themselves.  As their parent, when they do make their decision, we must be willing to hold the ground and not give in to them wanting the “other” choice if choice “A” did not work out.  This teaches them that even if the first choice does not work out, they will be “rescued” with choice “B” anyway.  And we all know that out in the real world, that does not happen.

As they got older and started to comprehend a deeper awareness I would encourage the children to get “quiet within” and to “feel” which decision would be the better one for them.  I further explained to them that the best decisions I made were the ones where I followed my inner voice, my gut, my intuition- whatever one may call our divine guidance within.  We all have had those instances where we said, “I knew I should have made the other choice!”  That knowing is our divine guidance.

In doing this, many times they have said, “I know what I should do, but I really don’t want to do that!”  Again, I stepped back to allow them to make the decision themselves.  And 100% of the time, when they didn’t follow their intuition, they wished they had!

*When speaking of decisions, I am talking about the random, simple life decisions that come up for children.  Ie. Whose party should I attend?  Should I tell so-and-so what was said about them?  I let them factor through the simpler things that come up for them.  For the extremely important adult decisions, I, of course, would make those.

The point of this article is to encourage everyone to allow your children to blossom!  Allow them to see what making one decision over another brings to them.  Teach them to own their own life, their own decisions and behaviors.  We, as parents, are in the job of raising children into high-functioning adults.  Adults that know the repercussions of certain decisions and adults who will contemplate choices before going with the easiest or the most fun.  Because sometimes the “right” decision may be the harder choice to make, but in the end it works out perfectly.

My 2 oldest children are now teenagers living the high school life.   We all know how high school is an incredible emotional growth period for us.  They still come to me regarding their decisions, but to watch them “feel” their way through the decision-making process is remarkable to watch.  I’m definitely not here to say they are perfect (nor am I), but I wanted to share something that I practiced with my children and that has paid off immensely!

I invite every parent to refrain from rushing in to “save” the child thinking only we know what is best (except in serious situations, of course).  Our children have their very own inner guidance system as we do and the best thing we can do is help them develop theirs. The best gift we can give our children is good life skills and healthy decision making is one of them!  J

Happy Parenting!

Divorce Guilt With Children

     Divorce… an ugly reality in today’s culture.  A divorce with kids… an even harsher reality.  The thoughts and emotions that accompany divorce are sometimes almost too much to bear for the parent that they can hardly hold it together for themselves, much less for the children.  Additionally, they feel so incredibly guilty for not providing the “white picket fence” life that they dreamed of for their children, that they overcompensate for it by becoming overly lenient.  In the beginning, I believe this happens because the parent has so much to do:  dealing emotionally with the loss, organizing the divorce finalities and getting accustomed to the one-parent home.  It is understandable and ok for awhile… 

          The problem herein lies if it continues.  The guilt of the parent can take over and the parent may feel so terribly for what they have “done” to the children’s lives that they allow for inappropriate behaviors that at one time would not have been acceptable.  Let’s keep in mind that children will push and push.  They (with no ill intent) will demand their desires and immediate gratification if they know there is a way…  When they “smell” a loop hole or weak parent they go straight for the jugular.  Parents that say yes all the time are opening the door to out of control children.  It can show up immediately or it may show up later, but it WILL show up.

          The very best thing we can do for our babies is to set healthy boundaries and hold true to them no matter what is going on in your (their) lives.  Parenting does not stop because life is changing.  If anything, this is the very time they need structure.  It keeps them in alignment and makes them feel safe and secure.  They know what to expect even when their world is changing all around them.

          I went through a divorce 10 years ago.  I have 2 wonderful children (had to throw that in there) from that marriage.  At the time, I felt so much guilt!  I felt so sorry for them!  This was not what I planned for their lives!  Afterall, I had our "perfect" lives all mapped out and everything!  Well… that didn’t happen. 

As time passed, I noticed that I was overcompensating somewhat…  but it wasn’t until it was brought to my attention from a family member that I realized how much I was truly doing it!  I thought I was being loving and supportive but my two kids had me jumping through hoops!  If they called, I ran!  If they needed something, I jumped!  I had no personal boundaries for myself and spent my time catering to their needs/wants.  I wouldn’t even shut the bathroom door just in case someone needed me….   If someone was at Dad’s and called crying, I was there in 10 minutes.  They were very safe with him,  they just didn’t want to be there for whatever reason so I would don my superhero costume and run to save the day!  Little did I know it was a huge mistake. I was trying to make everything “all right”.  The truth is, I was holding them back from acquiring their coping skills and gaining strength.  I wasn’t encouraging growth and healing,  I was enabling!  My beauties caught on to this fairly quickly and started “trying” to pit my ex and I against each other.  Luckily, I was hip to that right away. 

My point is,  I know how difficult divorce is.  Believe me, I have been there twice.  But to love our children wholly and completely is to teach them.  Teach them coping skills.  Teach them tolerance.  Teach them rules and boundaries.  Teach them to grow into high functioning adults for when it's their turn to enter the world independently.  Teach them that no matter what life’s hands to us, we are to continue on!  It’s not easy out there in the “real” world and sometimes tough love is the best love. 

          Parents, be willing to keep a stable household for you and your children.  Be willing to show them that life does continue no matter what!  Be willing to seek help if it gets too tough or overwhelming.  These days there is so much help available in any arena we may be struggling.  I encourage to go find it, embrace it and live it.  You have the strength and courage to pull you and your children through this beautifully!  I believe in you!