Divorce… an ugly reality in today’s culture. A divorce with kids… an even harsher reality. The thoughts and emotions that accompany divorce are sometimes almost too much to bear for the parent that they can hardly hold it together for themselves, much less for the children. Additionally, they feel so incredibly guilty for not providing the “white picket fence” life that they dreamed of for their children, that they overcompensate for it by becoming overly lenient. In the beginning, I believe this happens because the parent has so much to do: dealing emotionally with the loss, organizing the divorce finalities and getting accustomed to the one-parent home. It is understandable and ok for awhile…
The problem herein lies if it continues. The guilt of the parent can take over and the parent may feel so terribly for what they have “done” to the children’s lives that they allow for inappropriate behaviors that at one time would not have been acceptable. Let’s keep in mind that children will push and push. They (with no ill intent) will demand their desires and immediate gratification if they know there is a way… When they “smell” a loop hole or weak parent they go straight for the jugular. Parents that say yes all the time are opening the door to out of control children. It can show up immediately or it may show up later, but it WILL show up.
The very best thing we can do for our babies is to set healthy boundaries and hold true to them no matter what is going on in your (their) lives. Parenting does not stop because life is changing. If anything, this is the very time they need structure. It keeps them in alignment and makes them feel safe and secure. They know what to expect even when their world is changing all around them.
I went through a divorce 10 years ago. I have 2 wonderful children (had to throw that in there) from that marriage. At the time, I felt so much guilt! I felt so sorry for them! This was not what I planned for their lives! Afterall, I had our "perfect" lives all mapped out and everything! Well… that didn’t happen.
As time passed, I noticed that I was overcompensating somewhat… but it wasn’t until it was brought to my attention from a family member that I realized how much I was truly doing it! I thought I was being loving and supportive but my two kids had me jumping through hoops! If they called, I ran! If they needed something, I jumped! I had no personal boundaries for myself and spent my time catering to their needs/wants. I wouldn’t even shut the bathroom door just in case someone needed me…. If someone was at Dad’s and called crying, I was there in 10 minutes. They were very safe with him, they just didn’t want to be there for whatever reason so I would don my superhero costume and run to save the day! Little did I know it was a huge mistake. I was trying to make everything “all right”. The truth is, I was holding them back from acquiring their coping skills and gaining strength. I wasn’t encouraging growth and healing, I was enabling! My beauties caught on to this fairly quickly and started “trying” to pit my ex and I against each other. Luckily, I was hip to that right away.
My point is, I know how difficult divorce is. Believe me, I have been there twice. But to love our children wholly and completely is to teach them. Teach them coping skills. Teach them tolerance. Teach them rules and boundaries. Teach them to grow into high functioning adults for when it's their turn to enter the world independently. Teach them that no matter what life’s hands to us, we are to continue on! It’s not easy out there in the “real” world and sometimes tough love is the best love.
Parents, be willing to keep a stable household for you and your children. Be willing to show them that life does continue no matter what! Be willing to seek help if it gets too tough or overwhelming. These days there is so much help available in any arena we may be struggling. I encourage to go find it, embrace it and live it. You have the strength and courage to pull you and your children through this beautifully! I believe in you!
