Why Me?

For the delicate hearts of the world, it can seem as though no one respects you or values your feelings.  That no matter how kind, generous, supportive or forgiving you may be, you are still exploited.  I understand completely because that has been my story of past and is something I still contend with in my own life from time to time (hence, Recovering Doormat).

What seems to take us so long to understand is that others may not be functioning from the same level of compassion or understanding as we are and in turn, we are continually blown away, hurt and disappointed when others don’t show up the way we do.  And then we continually ask ourselves, “Why does this always happen to me?!”

From my experience, I have learned that recovering from doormathood is a discipline.  A discipline based on strong personal boundaries derived from a solid self-worth foundation and a discipline rooted in taking care of one’s own heart even if it is not the popular vote of others around us.  It is learning to view the world and outside influences from a totally different perspective.  For example:

·        Others don’t always think like I think which means my perspective may not ever be seen or understood.

·        Others may not care as much as we care. Another’s highest value may not be our experience of the situation, but only their own. 

·        Others may be willing to blame us for situations gone awry rather than themselves. It takes an evolved soul to really go inward and say, “My bad, I’m sorry.”

·        Others may attempt to control us through manipulation and guilt strategies rather than healthy conversations.  Avoidance of healing conversation is not on his/her agenda.

Understanding our situations from a healthier perspective will indeed calm us and help us to see the picture more clearly.  However, at the end (or beginning) of the day, it is our responsibility to take care of our hearts first and foremost.  Our boundaries may rock the boat or upset the status quo; however, any behavior rooted in self-love (not selfishness or ego) is never wrong. 

Sometimes there is nothing more we can do in a situation, other than change our own behavior toward it and perhaps the very thing the situation needs is our strength to say, “No more.” 

Divorce Guilt With Children

     Divorce… an ugly reality in today’s culture.  A divorce with kids… an even harsher reality.  The thoughts and emotions that accompany divorce are sometimes almost too much to bear for the parent that they can hardly hold it together for themselves, much less for the children.  Additionally, they feel so incredibly guilty for not providing the “white picket fence” life that they dreamed of for their children, that they overcompensate for it by becoming overly lenient.  In the beginning, I believe this happens because the parent has so much to do:  dealing emotionally with the loss, organizing the divorce finalities and getting accustomed to the one-parent home.  It is understandable and ok for awhile… 

          The problem herein lies if it continues.  The guilt of the parent can take over and the parent may feel so terribly for what they have “done” to the children’s lives that they allow for inappropriate behaviors that at one time would not have been acceptable.  Let’s keep in mind that children will push and push.  They (with no ill intent) will demand their desires and immediate gratification if they know there is a way…  When they “smell” a loop hole or weak parent they go straight for the jugular.  Parents that say yes all the time are opening the door to out of control children.  It can show up immediately or it may show up later, but it WILL show up.

          The very best thing we can do for our babies is to set healthy boundaries and hold true to them no matter what is going on in your (their) lives.  Parenting does not stop because life is changing.  If anything, this is the very time they need structure.  It keeps them in alignment and makes them feel safe and secure.  They know what to expect even when their world is changing all around them.

          I went through a divorce 10 years ago.  I have 2 wonderful children (had to throw that in there) from that marriage.  At the time, I felt so much guilt!  I felt so sorry for them!  This was not what I planned for their lives!  Afterall, I had our "perfect" lives all mapped out and everything!  Well… that didn’t happen. 

As time passed, I noticed that I was overcompensating somewhat…  but it wasn’t until it was brought to my attention from a family member that I realized how much I was truly doing it!  I thought I was being loving and supportive but my two kids had me jumping through hoops!  If they called, I ran!  If they needed something, I jumped!  I had no personal boundaries for myself and spent my time catering to their needs/wants.  I wouldn’t even shut the bathroom door just in case someone needed me….   If someone was at Dad’s and called crying, I was there in 10 minutes.  They were very safe with him,  they just didn’t want to be there for whatever reason so I would don my superhero costume and run to save the day!  Little did I know it was a huge mistake. I was trying to make everything “all right”.  The truth is, I was holding them back from acquiring their coping skills and gaining strength.  I wasn’t encouraging growth and healing,  I was enabling!  My beauties caught on to this fairly quickly and started “trying” to pit my ex and I against each other.  Luckily, I was hip to that right away. 

My point is,  I know how difficult divorce is.  Believe me, I have been there twice.  But to love our children wholly and completely is to teach them.  Teach them coping skills.  Teach them tolerance.  Teach them rules and boundaries.  Teach them to grow into high functioning adults for when it's their turn to enter the world independently.  Teach them that no matter what life’s hands to us, we are to continue on!  It’s not easy out there in the “real” world and sometimes tough love is the best love. 

          Parents, be willing to keep a stable household for you and your children.  Be willing to show them that life does continue no matter what!  Be willing to seek help if it gets too tough or overwhelming.  These days there is so much help available in any arena we may be struggling.  I encourage to go find it, embrace it and live it.  You have the strength and courage to pull you and your children through this beautifully!  I believe in you!