Why Me?

For the delicate hearts of the world, it can seem as though no one respects you or values your feelings.  That no matter how kind, generous, supportive or forgiving you may be, you are still exploited.  I understand completely because that has been my story of past and is something I still contend with in my own life from time to time (hence, Recovering Doormat).

What seems to take us so long to understand is that others may not be functioning from the same level of compassion or understanding as we are and in turn, we are continually blown away, hurt and disappointed when others don’t show up the way we do.  And then we continually ask ourselves, “Why does this always happen to me?!”

From my experience, I have learned that recovering from doormathood is a discipline.  A discipline based on strong personal boundaries derived from a solid self-worth foundation and a discipline rooted in taking care of one’s own heart even if it is not the popular vote of others around us.  It is learning to view the world and outside influences from a totally different perspective.  For example:

·        Others don’t always think like I think which means my perspective may not ever be seen or understood.

·        Others may not care as much as we care. Another’s highest value may not be our experience of the situation, but only their own. 

·        Others may be willing to blame us for situations gone awry rather than themselves. It takes an evolved soul to really go inward and say, “My bad, I’m sorry.”

·        Others may attempt to control us through manipulation and guilt strategies rather than healthy conversations.  Avoidance of healing conversation is not on his/her agenda.

Understanding our situations from a healthier perspective will indeed calm us and help us to see the picture more clearly.  However, at the end (or beginning) of the day, it is our responsibility to take care of our hearts first and foremost.  Our boundaries may rock the boat or upset the status quo; however, any behavior rooted in self-love (not selfishness or ego) is never wrong. 

Sometimes there is nothing more we can do in a situation, other than change our own behavior toward it and perhaps the very thing the situation needs is our strength to say, “No more.” 

Is it Difficult For You to Say No?

How good are you at saying, “No”?  Do you find yourself constantly saying “Yes” to avoid conflict or to please another when in truth the best thing for you would be to say no?  We pleasers of the world suffer from the Yes Disease.  We fill up all of our time with everyone else’s needs besides our own.  Learning to say no is about setting healthy boundaries in your life.  It’s not about being mean or selfish; it’s about self-love and self-empowerment.

One of the biggest areas people come to me to coach around is their personal boundaries.  I’m here to assure you all first, it’s perfectly normal not to know how to set personal boundaries.  It typically isn’t something that we are taught growing up.  That doesn’t make anyone wrong for raising us how they did.  Societies are constantly morphing and roles are changing.  It’s ok, to change and morph right along with it!

Historically, I was a huge people pleaser.  Where did this get me?  It led to me disappointment, exhaustion, sadness (which usually accompanies my tiredness) and resentment.  For one, we typically will expect everyone else to be pleasers as well and are sorely disappointed when we perceive that they “let us down”.  Two, we fill up our empty spaces with other people’s needs and neglect our own.  This is simply a lack of love for self.  We truly must love and nurture ourselves first.  That is the only way we can really show up whole for others and setting healthy boundaries is a great start!

I’m not here to say I am fantastic at this all of the time.  In fact, it is truly a delicate dance for me.  I am in the career of speech and empowerment and I love doing it!  But sometimes, I need (for my own protection) to limit how much I go above and beyond to make sure I am not compromising my own rest and personal time.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

1.                        Do I say Yes all the time even when it would benefit me most to say no?

2.                       What is the reason behind all my yes’?  Am I afraid to disappoint them?  Do I feel like I will lose their love if I say no?

3.                        What is the best thing that could happen if I set a small boundary (at first- for comfort level) and start saying no sometimes?

4.                       Am I willing to take this chance to love myself more and add more quality to my own life?

One of my clients struggled terribly saying no to her mother.  She started to cringe when her mother called because she knew she was going to invite her to something that she either didn’t want to attend or didn’t have the time for.  When she finally set her “no’s” in motion she surprisingly discovered her mother was totally supportive and loving about it.  Historically her mother kept asking because my client kept saying yes!  My client was so worried to let her mother down that she kept compromising her self over and over again.  When she started implementing her new plan, her relationship with her mother morphed into something even more wonderful than it was before.  The resentments faded and a new and greater relationship emerged!

Setting boundaries is really not as difficult as it seems and it will get easier as you practice.  Remember to say it with love and if appropriate, a thank you for thinking of me!

Namaste’

Setting Boundaries

    

Ah, boundaries...  The ever present dilemma.  What is a personal boundary?  How do I know when I need to set one?  What will people do/say if I start setting boundaries?  These are some of the many questions posed to me about boundaries.  Let's explore.
     The purpose of setting boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  First, we must know that we have the right to set personal boundaries.  It is our duty to ourselves to uphold the quality of how people treat us.  We teach people how to treat us and it starts with boundaries.
     The danger in not setting boundaries is we may become angry, resentful, blaming, unhappy, confused or solitary.  We as humans automatically think that people should know how to treat us.  We feel everyone should think like we do and behave in the same fashion.  This plainly is just not true.  We are all beautifully unique beings.  We must honor that uniqueness in one another and know that people can not read our minds.  Setting a firm boundary in a relationship not only teaches the other person what is acceptable for you, but it allows them to love you in the way that makes you happy.  And in fact, it makes them happy as well to be able to honor your wishes.
     How many times have we said, "Why does he/she do this to me?"  The answer:  "Because I allow him/her to."
         I have often found that people are very good at boundaries in one or two areas of their lives, but sorely lack in another area.  For example, I was able to set boundaries easily with my immediate family and friends, but failed miserably when it came to the man in my life.  I would throw out the big boundary, only to back down once I was challenged.  I knew in my heart it was right, but based on my fear of ”losing the love" or the man himself, I would back down.  I would drop the boundary and let him walk all over me.  Ew!  I hate even saying that out loud!  But in truth, I was allowing the behavior therefore saying that it is acceptable.  People will test your limits.  This is how we learn how to coexist in a relationship.  What is acceptable to you?  How far will you let them go?  People will push and pull and slowly lean, all to learn what you will allow them to do.  It is up to us to teach them the way.
     Additionally, we usually have a fear involved with setting boundaries.  The fear may be so strong, that we will justify to ourselves the reasons for not setting the boundary.  I.e. I may let someone down, I may hurt someone's feelings, I may look irresponsible. They may get angry with me or dislike me.  Contrarily, setting healthy boundaries is actually saying: My time is valuable. My opinions are valuable. My life is valuable. I am valuable.
     Boundaries are not always about other people though. Sometimes they are about limits and allowances we set for ourselves. I met a woman once who had no boundaries when it came to answering her phone. No matter who called, be it a friend or a salesman, she would bustle to answer the call waiting or the other phone ringing. Sometimes she would interrupt a conversation 5, 6, 7 times for things that were of zero importance. She was so afraid of offending the caller or not "being there" for someone she loved.  Contrarily, she found herself getting so annoyed at the caller and sometimes even the phone! The person calling had no idea how often her phone had rang that morning, and it certainly wasn't the phone's fault! Whose fault was it? Hers... She was scrambling every single time to get the phone no matter what. It was stressful and annoying to her.  During a coaching session, she realized straight away that she did not have to answer the other phone immediately. That she could allow it to go to voicemail and she would promptly return the call. This is a personal boundary. In setting that one tiny boundary, 50% of the stress in her day diminished and she later discovered no one was "offended" by her new plan.
     A key ingredient to living a joyous life is learning to set healthy boundaries.   It's about being authentic to yourself and loving yourself first.  It's about evaluating what behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not.  It's a powerful first step in owning your life and creating the life you desire!
And so it is....