Message For Today

     When in doubt, do nothing...  Get quiet and go within...  The answer is always there, we just need to make the space for it to reveal itself... 

Divorce Guilt With Children

     Divorce… an ugly reality in today’s culture.  A divorce with kids… an even harsher reality.  The thoughts and emotions that accompany divorce are sometimes almost too much to bear for the parent that they can hardly hold it together for themselves, much less for the children.  Additionally, they feel so incredibly guilty for not providing the “white picket fence” life that they dreamed of for their children, that they overcompensate for it by becoming overly lenient.  In the beginning, I believe this happens because the parent has so much to do:  dealing emotionally with the loss, organizing the divorce finalities and getting accustomed to the one-parent home.  It is understandable and ok for awhile… 

          The problem herein lies if it continues.  The guilt of the parent can take over and the parent may feel so terribly for what they have “done” to the children’s lives that they allow for inappropriate behaviors that at one time would not have been acceptable.  Let’s keep in mind that children will push and push.  They (with no ill intent) will demand their desires and immediate gratification if they know there is a way…  When they “smell” a loop hole or weak parent they go straight for the jugular.  Parents that say yes all the time are opening the door to out of control children.  It can show up immediately or it may show up later, but it WILL show up.

          The very best thing we can do for our babies is to set healthy boundaries and hold true to them no matter what is going on in your (their) lives.  Parenting does not stop because life is changing.  If anything, this is the very time they need structure.  It keeps them in alignment and makes them feel safe and secure.  They know what to expect even when their world is changing all around them.

          I went through a divorce 10 years ago.  I have 2 wonderful children (had to throw that in there) from that marriage.  At the time, I felt so much guilt!  I felt so sorry for them!  This was not what I planned for their lives!  Afterall, I had our "perfect" lives all mapped out and everything!  Well… that didn’t happen. 

As time passed, I noticed that I was overcompensating somewhat…  but it wasn’t until it was brought to my attention from a family member that I realized how much I was truly doing it!  I thought I was being loving and supportive but my two kids had me jumping through hoops!  If they called, I ran!  If they needed something, I jumped!  I had no personal boundaries for myself and spent my time catering to their needs/wants.  I wouldn’t even shut the bathroom door just in case someone needed me….   If someone was at Dad’s and called crying, I was there in 10 minutes.  They were very safe with him,  they just didn’t want to be there for whatever reason so I would don my superhero costume and run to save the day!  Little did I know it was a huge mistake. I was trying to make everything “all right”.  The truth is, I was holding them back from acquiring their coping skills and gaining strength.  I wasn’t encouraging growth and healing,  I was enabling!  My beauties caught on to this fairly quickly and started “trying” to pit my ex and I against each other.  Luckily, I was hip to that right away. 

My point is,  I know how difficult divorce is.  Believe me, I have been there twice.  But to love our children wholly and completely is to teach them.  Teach them coping skills.  Teach them tolerance.  Teach them rules and boundaries.  Teach them to grow into high functioning adults for when it's their turn to enter the world independently.  Teach them that no matter what life’s hands to us, we are to continue on!  It’s not easy out there in the “real” world and sometimes tough love is the best love. 

          Parents, be willing to keep a stable household for you and your children.  Be willing to show them that life does continue no matter what!  Be willing to seek help if it gets too tough or overwhelming.  These days there is so much help available in any arena we may be struggling.  I encourage to go find it, embrace it and live it.  You have the strength and courage to pull you and your children through this beautifully!  I believe in you!

Thought for Today

     I relax and surrender all of my desires to the Universe (God, Source, Spirit).  The infinite wisdom and love of the Divine always provides for my needs in exactly the right way.  I breathe easily and open my arms to receive with full faith.

Organic Questions to Opening Awareness

 
   For the seekers out there, here is a list of ten powerful thought provoking questions to start you on your path to greater awareness.   Be willing to be answer honestly and authentically and enjoy the first step in the process of living the best life you can!  Enjoy!

1.      What would greatly enhance your life that you are not currently doing?

2.     How would you describe bliss?

3.     If failure were not an option, what would you attempt to do?

4.     What are you feeling in your “knowing” at this moment?

5.     Do you believe that suffering is an option?

6.     What is your greatest challenge in your life right now?

7.     What is the most important thing to accomplish in this life?

8.     How would your life be different if you were living your best self?

9.     What do you think the reason for allowing yourself to get off track is?

10.  What positive changes are you wanting to make in your life?

Owning What is Yours

         Relationships are an amazing union between two beautifully unique individuals that gives us the opportunity to grow, to evolve and to love. When someone we love and trust holds a “mirror” to us exposing our weaknesses, consider it a great gift! It is an opportunity to bring us in touch with who we really are and who we truly want to be. It shows us places in us that need to be healed.  It takes courage to look within and it takes vulnerability to admit where we are weak. Be grateful when someone who loves you shines a light on a weak spot.   Be willing to say, “Thank you for that, now I must do some work in that area.”  You will learn that it will assist your personal growth. It will keep your relationships authentic and your vulnerability will help to open that same door for another. It is a win/win deal!
          We are all human beings. We are imperfect and fallible.  We are here to learn, to grow and to evolve.  The power here lies in trusting yourself to know what is yours and what is not.   It’s about taking responsibility for your behaviors and habits.  Having the courage to look inside and admit your wrongs and be gentle and forgiving of yourself for you are only human.

This is a great way to start believing in oneself.  It’s about self-reflection and knowing inside who you truly are.  We all know on some level when we have behaved poorly or have acted out of pride or self-righteousness.  (The key word there is “on some level”).  Usually, our immediate response is, “Well, you did ____ or _____!”  From that point forward it becomes a power play.  Ego versus Ego.  When that happens, everyone stops listening and it’s almost impossible to move forward.  Sometimes it takes that mirror of love to reflect back our actions. Be willing to own what is yours.

          The danger here lies in taking all the responsibility.  It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break one.  We only have responsibility for our half.  Be willing to admit what is yours, but be careful of owning something that is not yours only because your partner is a good convincer.  When in doubt, go within.  Ask for some time to ponder the situation.  Take some time to deep breathe and get clarity on your thoughts and feelings.      

    It took me many years to figure all of this out, but eventually… I did! I use to take responsibility for the whole relationship, not just what was mine.  I would allow myself to be blamed for everything and be talked out of my legitimate thoughts, concerns, feelings or upsets.  I now walk through life trusting my feelings are real, valid and deserve some study.  I am willing to be wrong. I am willing to compromise. But I will not allow my feelings to be insignificant.  

We only have power over ourselves and no one else.  It’s a beautiful thing when we start to own our “stuff”.  Within a loving relationship, this usually softens the situation by 75%.  When we make ourselves vulnerable, our loved ones are most likely to soften and come down to that same level and they too are more willing to be vulnerable as well.  This is where true communication really begins. This is where things get solved.  This is where divine Love steps in and Ego stops fighting Ego.

Be willing to be wrong.  Be willing to compromise. But please remember, your thoughts and feelings are not insignificant. You are important and you are valuable.  Believe in yourself!  Trusting and loving oneself is essential in the harmony of a relationship.

And so it is... :)