How good are you at saying, “No”? Do you find yourself constantly saying “Yes” to avoid conflict or to please another when in truth the best thing for you would be to say no? We pleasers of the world suffer from the Yes Disease. We fill up all of our time with everyone else’s needs besides our own. Learning to say no is about setting healthy boundaries in your life. It’s not about being mean or selfish; it’s about self-love and self-empowerment.
One of the biggest areas people come to me to coach around is their personal boundaries. I’m here to assure you all first, it’s perfectly normal not to know how to set personal boundaries. It typically isn’t something that we are taught growing up. That doesn’t make anyone wrong for raising us how they did. Societies are constantly morphing and roles are changing. It’s ok, to change and morph right along with it!
Historically, I was a huge people pleaser. Where did this get me? It led to me disappointment, exhaustion, sadness (which usually accompanies my tiredness) and resentment. For one, we typically will expect everyone else to be pleasers as well and are sorely disappointed when we perceive that they “let us down”. Two, we fill up our empty spaces with other people’s needs and neglect our own. This is simply a lack of love for self. We truly must love and nurture ourselves first. That is the only way we can really show up whole for others and setting healthy boundaries is a great start!
I’m not here to say I am fantastic at this all of the time. In fact, it is truly a delicate dance for me. I am in the career of speech and empowerment and I love doing it! But sometimes, I need (for my own protection) to limit how much I go above and beyond to make sure I am not compromising my own rest and personal time.
Here are a few questions to get you started:
1. Do I say Yes all the time even when it would benefit me most to say no?
2. What is the reason behind all my yes’? Am I afraid to disappoint them? Do I feel like I will lose their love if I say no?
3. What is the best thing that could happen if I set a small boundary (at first- for comfort level) and start saying no sometimes?
4. Am I willing to take this chance to love myself more and add more quality to my own life?
One of my clients struggled terribly saying no to her mother. She started to cringe when her mother called because she knew she was going to invite her to something that she either didn’t want to attend or didn’t have the time for. When she finally set her “no’s” in motion she surprisingly discovered her mother was totally supportive and loving about it. Historically her mother kept asking because my client kept saying yes! My client was so worried to let her mother down that she kept compromising her self over and over again. When she started implementing her new plan, her relationship with her mother morphed into something even more wonderful than it was before. The resentments faded and a new and greater relationship emerged!
Setting boundaries is really not as difficult as it seems and it will get easier as you practice. Remember to say it with love and if appropriate, a thank you for thinking of me!
Namaste’
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