Setting Boundaries

    

Ah, boundaries...  The ever present dilemma.  What is a personal boundary?  How do I know when I need to set one?  What will people do/say if I start setting boundaries?  These are some of the many questions posed to me about boundaries.  Let's explore.
     The purpose of setting boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  First, we must know that we have the right to set personal boundaries.  It is our duty to ourselves to uphold the quality of how people treat us.  We teach people how to treat us and it starts with boundaries.
     The danger in not setting boundaries is we may become angry, resentful, blaming, unhappy, confused or solitary.  We as humans automatically think that people should know how to treat us.  We feel everyone should think like we do and behave in the same fashion.  This plainly is just not true.  We are all beautifully unique beings.  We must honor that uniqueness in one another and know that people can not read our minds.  Setting a firm boundary in a relationship not only teaches the other person what is acceptable for you, but it allows them to love you in the way that makes you happy.  And in fact, it makes them happy as well to be able to honor your wishes.
     How many times have we said, "Why does he/she do this to me?"  The answer:  "Because I allow him/her to."
         I have often found that people are very good at boundaries in one or two areas of their lives, but sorely lack in another area.  For example, I was able to set boundaries easily with my immediate family and friends, but failed miserably when it came to the man in my life.  I would throw out the big boundary, only to back down once I was challenged.  I knew in my heart it was right, but based on my fear of ”losing the love" or the man himself, I would back down.  I would drop the boundary and let him walk all over me.  Ew!  I hate even saying that out loud!  But in truth, I was allowing the behavior therefore saying that it is acceptable.  People will test your limits.  This is how we learn how to coexist in a relationship.  What is acceptable to you?  How far will you let them go?  People will push and pull and slowly lean, all to learn what you will allow them to do.  It is up to us to teach them the way.
     Additionally, we usually have a fear involved with setting boundaries.  The fear may be so strong, that we will justify to ourselves the reasons for not setting the boundary.  I.e. I may let someone down, I may hurt someone's feelings, I may look irresponsible. They may get angry with me or dislike me.  Contrarily, setting healthy boundaries is actually saying: My time is valuable. My opinions are valuable. My life is valuable. I am valuable.
     Boundaries are not always about other people though. Sometimes they are about limits and allowances we set for ourselves. I met a woman once who had no boundaries when it came to answering her phone. No matter who called, be it a friend or a salesman, she would bustle to answer the call waiting or the other phone ringing. Sometimes she would interrupt a conversation 5, 6, 7 times for things that were of zero importance. She was so afraid of offending the caller or not "being there" for someone she loved.  Contrarily, she found herself getting so annoyed at the caller and sometimes even the phone! The person calling had no idea how often her phone had rang that morning, and it certainly wasn't the phone's fault! Whose fault was it? Hers... She was scrambling every single time to get the phone no matter what. It was stressful and annoying to her.  During a coaching session, she realized straight away that she did not have to answer the other phone immediately. That she could allow it to go to voicemail and she would promptly return the call. This is a personal boundary. In setting that one tiny boundary, 50% of the stress in her day diminished and she later discovered no one was "offended" by her new plan.
     A key ingredient to living a joyous life is learning to set healthy boundaries.   It's about being authentic to yourself and loving yourself first.  It's about evaluating what behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not.  It's a powerful first step in owning your life and creating the life you desire!
And so it is....