Setting Boundaries

    

Ah, boundaries...  The ever present dilemma.  What is a personal boundary?  How do I know when I need to set one?  What will people do/say if I start setting boundaries?  These are some of the many questions posed to me about boundaries.  Let's explore.
     The purpose of setting boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  First, we must know that we have the right to set personal boundaries.  It is our duty to ourselves to uphold the quality of how people treat us.  We teach people how to treat us and it starts with boundaries.
     The danger in not setting boundaries is we may become angry, resentful, blaming, unhappy, confused or solitary.  We as humans automatically think that people should know how to treat us.  We feel everyone should think like we do and behave in the same fashion.  This plainly is just not true.  We are all beautifully unique beings.  We must honor that uniqueness in one another and know that people can not read our minds.  Setting a firm boundary in a relationship not only teaches the other person what is acceptable for you, but it allows them to love you in the way that makes you happy.  And in fact, it makes them happy as well to be able to honor your wishes.
     How many times have we said, "Why does he/she do this to me?"  The answer:  "Because I allow him/her to."
         I have often found that people are very good at boundaries in one or two areas of their lives, but sorely lack in another area.  For example, I was able to set boundaries easily with my immediate family and friends, but failed miserably when it came to the man in my life.  I would throw out the big boundary, only to back down once I was challenged.  I knew in my heart it was right, but based on my fear of ”losing the love" or the man himself, I would back down.  I would drop the boundary and let him walk all over me.  Ew!  I hate even saying that out loud!  But in truth, I was allowing the behavior therefore saying that it is acceptable.  People will test your limits.  This is how we learn how to coexist in a relationship.  What is acceptable to you?  How far will you let them go?  People will push and pull and slowly lean, all to learn what you will allow them to do.  It is up to us to teach them the way.
     Additionally, we usually have a fear involved with setting boundaries.  The fear may be so strong, that we will justify to ourselves the reasons for not setting the boundary.  I.e. I may let someone down, I may hurt someone's feelings, I may look irresponsible. They may get angry with me or dislike me.  Contrarily, setting healthy boundaries is actually saying: My time is valuable. My opinions are valuable. My life is valuable. I am valuable.
     Boundaries are not always about other people though. Sometimes they are about limits and allowances we set for ourselves. I met a woman once who had no boundaries when it came to answering her phone. No matter who called, be it a friend or a salesman, she would bustle to answer the call waiting or the other phone ringing. Sometimes she would interrupt a conversation 5, 6, 7 times for things that were of zero importance. She was so afraid of offending the caller or not "being there" for someone she loved.  Contrarily, she found herself getting so annoyed at the caller and sometimes even the phone! The person calling had no idea how often her phone had rang that morning, and it certainly wasn't the phone's fault! Whose fault was it? Hers... She was scrambling every single time to get the phone no matter what. It was stressful and annoying to her.  During a coaching session, she realized straight away that she did not have to answer the other phone immediately. That she could allow it to go to voicemail and she would promptly return the call. This is a personal boundary. In setting that one tiny boundary, 50% of the stress in her day diminished and she later discovered no one was "offended" by her new plan.
     A key ingredient to living a joyous life is learning to set healthy boundaries.   It's about being authentic to yourself and loving yourself first.  It's about evaluating what behavior is acceptable to you and what behavior is not.  It's a powerful first step in owning your life and creating the life you desire!
And so it is....

Trusting Your Inner Voice

    

This is a topic close to my heart.  I would not call myself a psychic, but I would say that the Universe speaks to me, as it does to all of us.  It is merely a matter of if we are listening.  It has been said over and over throughout history, my gut told me this, my heart told me that, this is what our inner voice is.  It is intuition.  It is Spirit moving through us and speaking to us.  It is leading us to greater things and forewarning us of possible dangers.  It is a gentle guidance and loving nudge.
     Many, many times in my life I have heard a message and hit the VOID button.  Either I did not like what I was hearing or I discounted the message because it just was not loud enough.  For me Spirit speaks to me in "whispers".  They are not literal auditory whispers, but small, quiet, peaceful messages that come into my awareness during my moments of peace.  When I was younger I received a lot during my driving hours.  The car was quiet and comfortable and I think the subtle vibration of the car lulled me into somewhat of a meditative state.
     As I got older and my car was full of kids most of the time, I lost that connection and soon learned the wonderful art of meditation and quiet awareness time.  I now try to stay in that state as much as possible to allow me to be guided through my life by Spirit.  The times I deviated away from it and let my Ego and mind chatter get to loud, I would start to lose touch with my flow and things would start to get crazy around me.  (That's another blog post!)
     This one is about being aware of that voice, those messages.  For example,  when I was a little girl, probably about 9 years old, my mom had a male friend who wanted to take me to the Ice Capades with him, his daughter and a couple other kids.  I had met him once prior.  Even though I loved my Momma so much and wanted so badly to please her, I said "I don't want to go!"  Keep in mind, I was raised with 4 brothers and a very frugal father.  The Ice Capades was something of a dream for me being I would not have had the opportunity to go within my own family, but still that was not enough to make me want to go.  My Momma kept asking me why and the only thing I could say was, "I just don't want to.  I don't like him."  My dear, wonderfully naive Momma sent me anyway.
     I went...  I sat in the backseat behind the man.  I DID NOT want to be there.  I DID NOT want to even look at him!  What was this feeling?  Why didn't I like him?  He was nice to me.  He gave me things.  He was a father.  I did not know what I was feeling and I was very confused.  During the drive, he asked me and several other kids in the car if we'd like to go to Disneyland with him?  A huge cheer went up and all the kids screamed "I do!!"  I sat quietly in the backseat and said, "I don't."
     After getting to the show and seating all the kids, he asked me to go get popcorn with him.  Being the well-mannered little girl I was, I went.  He sat me down outside Veteran's Memorial Coliseum for 2 hours and grilled me as to why I didn't want to go to Disneyland.  When I finally got to my seat inside, the lights flipped on and the show was over.  I had missed the whole thing.
     Some years later I learned this man was a convicted Pedophile and was currently serving many years in prison.  He had actually moved to Arizona to escape the same charge in another state, but it eventually caught up with him.
     My intuition had been warning me.  It was a soft message, but it was reoccurring and it was speaking to me loud and clear.  Danger!  Get away!  But being so young and not sure of what I was sensing, I couldn't explain to my mom what I was feeling.  A valuable lesson was learned from that for both me and my Momma.  When I later became a mother, I emphasized to my children (and still do) to "feel" their way through life.  When in doubt, get quiet and let the answer flow through you.  It is not always the answer we are hoping for, but it is always the right answer.
     Although this story sounds bad, it is something I consider good in my history.  There was no harm done and I do not blame my mother for not knowing.  She was doing the very best she knew how. But something I do want to emphasize is how intuition also tells us of good things!  The point is to get centered, clear away mind chatter and just be.  Spirit's messages are right there for you!  Listen and follow...
And so it is...

To Rescue or not to Rescue?

     

     It is one of the most difficult things to watch...  someone we love going through a painful situation.  Whether it be divorce, a difficult job, a bad relationship or a multitude of other issues.  The first thing we want to do is jump in and rescue them!  To save our loved one from pain and save ourselves from having to watch it. 
     Providing a platform of love means going beyond the sometimes "bad" decisions that people make and allowing them to make those decisions with no judgment.  It's about loving them no matter what.  Unconditionally.  It's knowing that this is their path and not yours.  People need to make their own mistakes.   You may notice that some people can catch a "bad" decision before they make it and some people have to recreate the same "bad" decision over and over in their life until they get it.  It is a very hard thing to stand by and watch.  Sometimes, we as observers, can see things so clearly (or so we think) that we want to shake our loved ones and say, "What are you doing?  Don't you get it?  Do this!  Do that! Then all will be fine in your world."
     The truth is, do we really know what will make everything fine in their world?  Are we that powerful that if they just follow our instructions their life will be perfect?  Sorry, but no.  It may appear a certain action may clear up the current problem, but to rescue someone from their own growth and evolution just makes it so they are not learning their own lessons and we in turn have become an enabler.
     It is beautiful and wonderful that we love our friends and family so much that we don't want them to suffer unnecessarily, but is it really unnecessary?  Or is it possible that once they finally learn the lesson, all on their own, they will learn it hard and deep and most likely will never have to learn that lesson again?
     When I was 17 I dated a guy who was 19.  He was every parent's nightmare.  He had a drinking problem, dealt drugs prior to knowing me, he cheated on me constantly and was physically abusive.   I was so young and naive, I made so many excuses for him.  I also thought that my love was special love and I had the power to make him change.  Yeah, no.  I kept this a secret from my family because I knew that his behavior was not ok by any means, but I was not ready to cut my ties with him yet.  Fortunately, nothing major happened to me (except a deviated septum) and I grew stronger and stronger every day.  I eventually did leave him and when I did, I was ready!  I left that relationship with so many valuable lessons that if someone were to have stepped in and rescued me, I may have repeated this in future relationships.  To this day, I have not repeated that type of relationship.  I learned.  I learned a very painful and hard lesson, but I learned!  I walked away empowered, more confident and wiser than I was going in.
    I later learned that my best friend was going through the exact same thing simultaneously as I was!  I remember clearly to this day saying to her.  "You do what you need to do.  Only you can decide where you need to be.  I will not judge you if you stay with him.  I will be here if you should need me."  I said those words not to soon after I was successful in my departure from my boyfriend.  I knew on some level (even being so young) that she had to do this for herself.  It is painful to watch someone going through something difficult!  Painful!  But we can only truly provide a platform of love until they are ready to ask for and receive help.  Forcing growth on someone does no good.  It's kind of like feeding a baby with a spoon.  Do we continue to do it until they are an adult?  No, we eventually give them the spoon and allow them to make a total mess.  Eventually, they figure it out all on their own.  It takes peace, strength and love to step back allow growth to happen.

    
   

Facing The Fear Within

    
     I have witnessed many times in my life, people who are so afraid of a certain "something" that they stand frozen.  They function in their lives in that area, on the brink of panic.  They are so caught up in the fear part of their thinking that they leave no space for Spirit to come in and heal.  They do this to feel a sense of security and to assure themselves that they are in control and no one else.  A separation from Spirit and a false way to keep themselves from feeling pain.
     I was once dating a man who is a lovely, amazing human being.  I thought God had finally rewarded me for all my trials.  At one point in our relationship he stated, "I'm a fool for letting a woman take charge of my emotions." He also stated several times, "I will not let someone hurt me."  The statements alone were just fine, but the behavior accompanying them was very telling.  No matter how wonderful I was or how amazing we were together, he just couldn't "take the risk".  He was so fearful that it kept him frozen solid and alone.
    I was quite taken aback by all of this.  I had never witnessed something like this before.  He behaved so cool, calm and collected that I assumed he had it all figured out.  I had no idea what was really going on under the surface.  In my reality, he was in control,  but in his reality, his feelings for me were overwhelming in his life and he felt out of control.  He weighed the joy our relationship brought to his life against his fear and the fear won.  This was a very enlightening moment for me.  One, because I  realized that it's not what someone says it's why they say it, and two, it gave me incredible insight into the fears that lay deep within him and many other people.  I knew at that point that he had some big healing to do.  I also knew that no matter what I did, how safe and reassured I could try to make him feel, this was his wound and only he could heal it. 
     His statement answered many of my questions though.  It explained why he had such a hard time expressing himself and how even though I felt what he was feeling, he could not express it.  In his moments of clarity and peace, he would say loving, open and vulnerable things, but shortly thereafter, he would back peddle and try to diminish the strength of what he said.  It was very confusing to me because when he would say those things, it would resonate in my body as truth, but his behavior was contradictory.   I felt him and believed those were his true deep feelings, but after revealing himself, the wall would go up right away and I'd be standing with ironman.  He wouldn't try to flee; he just became incredible stoic and put on an "I don't care" attitude.  It was like I was dealing with two people.
     He later told me he does that to protect himself.  He said, "If I don't let anyone in, they cannot hurt me."  I felt such sadness for him...  I wanted so badly to rescue him!  To save him from a lifetime of loneliness...  But I cannot save him.  Only he can.   However, I did explain to him that we are here to love...  Our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give love and to receive love.  I felt his fear was such a tragedy being there was a huge world out there to give love to and get love from but he had built a fortress around his heart.  I also knew that his healing was a process and it would take some time.  Amount of time?  I had no idea...  He had to want it and want it badly.
     We can start our healing process at any time.  The process begins when we recognize our area of fear and bring it to the surface.  When we allow the light in, our healing begins! Where there is light, there can not be darkness.  I encourage everyone to dig deep today.  To look inside and find that part of you that is entrenched in fear and may be holding you back from living a life of love and happiness.  The very first step in healing is recognizing where we need to be healed.  Allow the fear to rise to the surface like a bubble rising from the bottom of the ocean.  Allow that fear to break the ocean's surface and to be dispersed into the universe.  Imagine the intensity of the fear diminishing as it blends with the universal energy.  Ask God (Universe, Spirit, Source) to help you heal and to replace this fear with love.  It's time for you to live joyously!  It's time for you to heal!
     And so it is...

Letting Others Be Who They Are

    
     As human beings we are in a constant state of trying to feel safe.  We try to control things in our life in order to not feel pain.  We want our partners to say things we want to hear.  We want our bosses and coworkers to treat us a certain way.  We want our families to behave according to what we think they "should" do.  All in the name of trying to avoid pain.
     We believe that our way is the only way and when people don't do as we believe they should, we are hurt and disappointed.  The truth is, we are all different.  Each and every one of us think, feel and act differently.  We have unique ways of expressing our emotions, our thoughts and love.  I remember in my younger years, men saying to me, "Sorry if I don't say it exactly how you want to hear it."  I chose to not believe what they were saying because it was not the way I would say it.  I was being so unfair.  They were not me.  They did not express the way I do.  It took 3 men to say that to me for me to finally get it.
     What would our days be like if we just accepted others as they are?  What if we allowed others the space to just be.  How would our lives look if we lived in a place of unconditional love and acceptance of who others are?
     Our suffering would end, our pain would diminish and we would be peaceful.  We would be in a position to live in joy instead of pain.  The only person you can change or truly have control over is you.  I have often said, if a relationship is not working and you are expecting someone to change, change yourself!  It's amazing what comes about when one makes growth changes in themselves.  I have seen over and over again a ripple effect.  When the person is no longer playing the victim, but the victor, it has a magnificent effect- others start to change around you.
     I am by no means saying stay in an abusive relationship or put up with repeated disrespectful behavior.  Some relationships no longer serve us and are best to be let go of.  A physically abusive relationship should be left immediately.  This is more about letting go of thoughtforms of who you want someone to be and just letting them be that person.  It's about loving someone for who they are and not what you want them to be.  To love unconditionally is to truly let go of expectations and to fill yourself up with love!  What comes after that should just be a bonus!

Living in the Gap

    
     So many times in life we find ourselves in the midst of waiting for a certain something to happen. We fret, we worry, we obsess... We feel our life cannot start until we get that certain something! We are thrown into a gap in time that feels like an abyss... an unfathomable or immeasurable void where we feel we will never reach what it is we are waiting for... This is where our true faith comes in.
     I remember when my ex-husband had told my son about this "cool" bicycle that his friend "might" be giving away. My son wanted that bike so badly! It was a very expensive motocross trick bike that was left in the garage of the friend's rental house. The renters had moved out and left the bike. The friend was waiting to see if they came back to get it. He had no contact number for them, therefore he chose to hold onto it for sometime to see if the owners came back for it.
     It was all my son could talk about. He asked me constantly about the bike and if I had heard from dad. I would gently tell him that was between him and his father and I knew nothing of the bike or the story behind it. Day after day, week after week, he obsessed about the bike. Finally, I explained to him about "letting go, letting God". I told him the worrying and obsessing was just keeping him from focusing and from being happy right now. I asked him if he was willing to give it up to the universe and let it go- kind of like a puff of smoke.  If it was meant to be, it would be his in divine right timing.   He told me he could and he actually did it!
     I did not hear another word about that bicycle until the day he told me his dad had called and the bike was to be his! It was approximately 6-8 weeks in time before my little boy had his answer. To an adult that may not seem like a very long time, but to a boy wanting a certain cool bike, that was forever!
     The truth is, we can not speed up time any faster with our obsession and we waste precious time by not being fully present in our life right now. Time is constant. It stops for no one. Although, it is fully in our power to choose what to do with our time.
     If you have something right now that is pending... That you want so badly you can taste it, consider giving it up to the universe. Say a little prayer of release such as, "I give this to you, God (Universe, Spirit, Source) and may you deliver this to me in divine right timing if  ________ is for my highest good. And so it is." One may have to repeat this prayer several times to fully feel and believe in its power...  Then sit back and trust that Spirit will bring to you what is truly for your highest good.
     Live in the NOW! Enjoy your life and the processes that it brings to you. We are learning and growing and evolving everyday. Enjoy NOW, for we only truly have NOW.

Welcome!

  Welcome to my blog!
 My name is Kristen Brown and I am an Empowerment Facillator and Spiritual Life Coach in Scottsdale, Arizona.  I started this blog as a means to speak my inner knowingness and to inspire, empower or enlighten my fellow brothers and sisters who are looking to discover the divine essence within while learning to embrace the true beauty, splendor and authenticity we each possess.
Our very best lives our waiting for us!   We already have ALL THE ANSWERS WITHIN, sometimes it just takes a little nudge to awaken our divine awareness.  I encourage you to post replies to any of my articles.  May your divine light shine each and every day!          KB